Should we shield our partners from certain truths? A study looks into the motives behind lying to those we love.

Is it okay or even necessary to lie to our romantic partners sometimes? Researchers at PsychTests.com examine the beliefs, personality, and behaviours of people who believe that lying is necessary in relationships.

Most people have probably found themselves in situations where they had to navigate complex and potentially explosive questions such as, “Does this make me look fat?,” “Is my cooking better than your mom’s?” and “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” One can argue that telling a little white lie is harmless and is the lesser evil if it prevents an argument. And what’s more honourable than lying to someone we love in order to protect them from hurt? Well, it turns out that people who believe that lying is not only okay but also necessary in relationships are, perhaps not surprisingly, pretty loose when it comes to other morals as well.

Analyzing data collected from 5,597 people who took the Integrity and Work Ethics Test, PsychTests’ researchers compared two groups: people who believe that lying in relationships is necessary (“Deceivers”) and those who don’t (“Straight-shooters”). Here’s how they compared in terms of their general level of honesty:

When both groups were asked whether an employee should be forgiven for minor theft (e.g., of office supplies, food), here is how they responded:

THEFT (E.G., OF OFFICE SUPPLIES, FOOD) SHOULD BE FORGIVEN IF THE EMPLOYEE …
• Doesn’t have a good salary (33% of Deceivers agreed, compared to 10% of Straight-shooters).
• Hasn’t had a raise in more than five years (33% of Deceivers agreed, compared to 7% of Straight-shooters).
• Puts in a lot of overtime hours (33% of Deceivers agreed compared to 20% of Straight-shooters).
• Has been with the company for more than 10 years (46% of Deceivers agreed, compared to 13% of Straight-shooters).
• Is having financial problems (45% of Deceivers agreed, compared to 20% of Straight-shooters).
• Is having personal or family problems (37% of Deceivers agreed, compared to 14% of Straight-shooters).
• Is under a lot of stress (35% of Deceivers agreed compared to 10% of Straight- shooters).

WHEN PSYCHTESTS’ RESEARCHERS ASSESSED THE DEGREE TO WHICH DECEIVERS AND STRAIGHT- SHOOTERS COMMIT DISHONEST ACTS, THEY DISCOVERED THAT THE FORMER GROUP’S MORALS WERE QUESTIONABLE, AT BEST:
• 26% of Deceivers use intimidation to get what they want (compared to 4% of Straight-shooters).
• 27% talk about people behind their backs (compared to 7% of Straight- shooters).
• 48% said they prefer to only develop friendships with someone who can advance their social or professional status (compared to 16% of Straight- shooters).
• 37% admitted that they place their own needs first (compared to 16% of Straight- shooters).

ASIDE FROM THEIR TENDENCY TO LIE, THE DECEIVERS GROUP WAS ALSO QUITE CYNICAL, BELIEVING THAT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE JUST AS DISHONEST AS THEY ARE. FOR EXAMPLE:
• 51% of Deceivers believe that most employees lie to their boss (compared to 28% of Straight-shooters).
• 41% believe it’s better not to trust anyone (compared to 14% of Straight- shooters).
• 43% believe that most people, given the opportunity, would cheat on their taxes (compared to 21% of Straight-shooters).

IRONICALLY, WHILE DECEIVERS HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT LYING TO OTHER PEOPLE, THEY DISLIKE BEING LIED TO IN RETURN. FOR EXAMPLE:
• 85% of Deceivers said that they expect absolute loyalty from their loved ones (compared to 74% of Straight-shooters).
• 32% said that they don’t forgive easily, if at all (compared to 11% of Straight- shooters).
• 29% said that they would cut someone out of their lives after just one lie or transgression (compared to 16% of Straight-shooters).

“Lying to someone you love in order to avoid hurting their feelings may stem from honourable intentions, but it’s typically a bad idea. Oftentimes, knowing the truth is better in the long run because it encourages acceptance of the circumstances and allows the person to find ways to adapt or resolve the issue,” explains Dr. Ilona Jerabek, president of PsychTests. “Lying erodes trust and intimacy, which are very difficult to rebuild. Lies also have a tendency to snowball and trap you in a tangled mess. If you think you need to lie to your partner in order to maintain harmony in your relationship, then you’ve got an unhealthy dynamic going on. It means that your problems go far deeper than a few little lies. And as we’ve seen in our study, people who think lying is unavoidable and even imperative tend to have a skewed perception of the world, which in turn affects their behaviour.”

“Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be blunt and overshare,” continues Dr. Jerabek. “Your partner probably doesn’t need to know that you were asked out by a total stranger on the subway. You don’t need to share that they don’t look their best in an outfit they are wearing unless they ask for your honest opinion. When in doubt, ask yourself, ‘Does this need to be shared? Does it need to be expressed by me? Is this the right time to disclose such information? Will I regret it later if I don’t say anything?’”

So how do you tell your partner a truth that might be difficult to hear? According to the researchers at PsychTests, if you messed up big time, a sincere and complete apology is called for. It should include taking responsibility for your action, acknowledgement of the damage it caused, repentance, making amends and asking for forgiveness. Accept that regaining the person’s trust may take a while or may not even happen at all. It’s also important to realize that hiding an inconvenient truth will likely backfire big time, as the insult of being deceived for years will be added to the injury.

When it comes to situations where you might be tempted to use a little white lie, PsychTests’ researchers suggest opting for sincerity with a dose of diplomacy. Use empathy to figure out how you need to word it. Granted, some people will still be offended by the truth even when you convey it in the nicest way possible, but that’s their issue. So if you get asked the dreaded question “Does this make me look fat?,” you can say something along the lines of “I don’t think it suits you well. Let’s find something that flatters your curves more.” The bottom line when it comes to being honest with someone is that it’s typically not a matter of what you say, but how you say it.

Are you a person of integrity? Check out the Integrity and Work Ethics Test at testyourself.psychtests.com

Professional users, such as HR managers, coaches, and therapists, can request a free demo for this or other assessments from ARCH Profile’s extensive battery: hrtests.archprofile.com

To learn more about psychological testing, download this free eBook: hrtests.archprofile.com